Believe It or Not!

Originally Posted on the Official Violent Femmes Site near the turn of the Century, the “Believe It or Not!” page contains numerous questionable historical tidbits & events that have afflicted the Femmes over the years. While Several of the aforementioned events have undoubtedly taken place, others will leave you questioning their validity, You be the Judge!

• Original Femmes drummer Victor DeLorenzo and current Femmes drummer Guy Hoffman both have bald spots IN THE SAME PLACE ON THEIR HEADS!!!
• Since the band started they have played in over 500 different cities, but the members CAN’T REMEMBER ALL OF THEM!!!!!!
• Mark Van Hecke who “produced” the Femmes first two records,once boasted, “I will go down in music history as one of the great record producers alongside George Martin and Phil Spector!” Instead he is currently MAKING MUSIC FOR VIDEO GAMES!!!!!”
• Femmes singer Gordon Gano’s brother Glenn recorded his own CD. Brian Ritchie played it for Femmes recording engineer David Vartanian and Horns of Dilemma member Sigmund Snopek III, saying it was a demo of Gordon’s new songs. Although Dave and Sig had both been working with the Femmes for over a decade THEY COULDN’T TELL THAT IT WAS NOT GORDON!!!!!
• Since the band started, bassist Brian Ritchie has GAINED 65 POUNDS!!!!
• Gordon wrote “Country Death Song” IN THE TENTH GRADE STUDY HALL!!!!!!!
• When Nirvana opened for the Femmes in Australia, singer Kurt Cobain refused to go onstage unless someone got him some drugs. Femmes tour manager Willie MacInnes gave him two Tylenol, but told Kurt they were POWERFUL NARCOTICS. A few minutes later Kurt hit the stage, saying, “I FEEL MUCH BETTER!!!!!!!”
• Kurt’s wife Courtney Love accompanied him on the tour. The Femmes thought she was a skanky, pasty-faced, pockmarked, drug-addled, no talent slut and bimbo. But they must have been wrong, because now she is a ROLE MODEL FOR AMERICAN FEMININITY!!!!!!!!
• The Femmes played at the North Pole with the Red Hot Chili Peppers. The Chili Peppers celebrated this rare opportunity by ARGUING AND SPLITTING UP THE BAND!!!!!!!
• Former President Jimmy Carter once opened up the show for the Femmes. When he met Brian Ritchie he SHOOK HIS HAND AND SAID, “PLEASED TO MEET YOU!!!!!!”
• When former Talking Head Jerry Harrison produced the Femmes, Gordon was shocked to find him drinking from a little bottle clearly marked, “FOR EXTERNAL USE ONLY!!!!!!!!”
• When the Femmes worked with producer Michael Beinhorn (Chili Peppers, Soundgarden, Soul Asylum, etc.) He threw a temper tantrum because the recording studio refused to provide him with A PLAYPEN FOR HIS DOG WHO HAD BEEN PISSING ALL OVER THE SOUND BOARD!!!!!!”
• Gordon Gano is one of the CLOSEST LIVING RELATIONS TO ECCENTRIC BILLIONAIRE HOWARD HUGHES!!!!!!”
• Gordon and Brian played their first show together at Gordon’s National Honor Society Program. Gordon told them he would play an innocuous song, but instead the duo performed “Gimme the Car”. When a riot erupted Gordon was EXPELLED FROM THE HONOR SOCIETY!!!!!!”
• When the Femmes did an acoustic show at Warner Bros. Records to celebrate the release of “Why Do Birds Sing?” WB President Lenny Waronker called Brian Ritchie aside and told him, “THAT WAS EXCELLENT, GORDON!!!!!!!!!!”
• Horns of Dilemma musicians Sigmund Snopek III and Peter Balestrieri played with the Femmes at Carnegie Hall. A few days later they had a gig at a bowling alley in Wisconsin. They told the audience, “We just played at Carnegie Hall. “NO ONE BELIEVED THEM AND ONE AUDIENCE MEMBER SHOUTED OUT, “YEAH, SURE!!!!!!!!”
• Gordon Gano’s mother worked in the movies AS A DOUBLE FOR PAUL NEWMAN’S WIFE, JOANNE WOODWARD!!!!!!!!
• Slash Records President Bob Biggs did not like “Country Death Song”. He complained, “It’s OK until that piano comes in and ruins it. “The band was puzzled since there is no piano on the song. Obviously Biggs could NOT TELL THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN A PIANO AND A BANJO!!!!!!!!!”
• Biggs later took the master tape of “Do You Really Want To Hurt Me?” and overdubbed samples of James Brown and the Beach Boys. IN THE PROCESS HE ERASED SOME OF VICTOR’S DRUM PARTS!!!!!!!
• In an interview with the L.A. Weekly Biggs admitted that he couldn’t remember much of the eighties BECAUSE HE WAS ON DRUGS ALL THE TIME!!!!!
• Warner Bros. Vice President Karin Berg once told the puzzled Femmes, “BIGGS’ STRENGTHS ARE HIS WEAKNESSES!!!!!!!”
• The Femmes played with Dennis Rodman at the Field Museum in Chicago for New Years Eve ’97. The audience was climbing on the elephants and THE MUSEUM WAS STREWN WITH USED CONDOMS!!!!!!!”
• For the same show Rodman JAMMED WITH THE FEMMES AND SHOWED THE AUDIENCE HIS BUTT AND PEE-PEE!!!!!!!
• Former Femmes drummer Victor DeLorenzo and family was there to witness the debauchery. The Femmes hired Victor’s son’s band to open the show, BECAUSE THE OPENING BAND FROM ENGLAND NEVER SHOWED UP!!!!!!!
• Rodman poured a beer over Gordon’s head, but Gordon didn’t retaliate BECAUSE GORDON IS SMALL AND RODMAN IS VERY BIG!!!!!!!!!
• Brian PUT HIS BASS NECK INTO RODMAN’S ASS!!!!!!
• One of the Femmes earliest gigs was opening up for Guy Hoffman’s band the Oil Tasters. THE FEMMES WERE PAID NOTHING FOR THAT GIG!!!!!
• Jazz great Ornette Coleman listened to all of the Femmes albums in one sitting. He said, “THE MUSIC’S GREAT, BUT THE WORDS GET IN THE WAY!!!!!”
• Another Jazz great, Don Cherry, CALLED BRIAN AND ASKED IF HE COULD SIT IN WITH THE HORNS OF DILEMMA!!!!!
• Jazz great Sun Ra liked Brian’s song, “Sun Ra-Man from Outer Space”. He listened to it over and over on his tour bus. Ra told Femmes promoter Peter Jest, “I LOVE IT WHEN THE TEENAGERS SING ABOUT ME!!!!!!!!”
• Yet another Jazz great, Bassist Percy Heath of the Modern Jazz Quartet came to an early Femmes show and came backstage to try Brian’s trademark acoustic bass guitar. Said Heath, “THIS IS THE BASS GUITAR. THAT SHIT THE OTHER CATS PLAY IS JUST A TOY!!!!!!!!!!”
• Smiths singer Morrisey attended a Femmes show in London. Informed of his presence the Femmes came out for the encore and sang the Smiths song, “I would go out tonight, but I haven’t got a stitch to wear” CLAD ONLY IN THEIR UNDERWEAR!!!!!!!!!
• Another British popstar, The Jazz Butcher, was very excited to open up for his heroes, the Femmes. Unfortunately he liked the Femmes too much, because upon hearing them HE FIRED HIS ENTIRE BAND AND FLED THE VENUE IN TEARS!!!!!!!!
• Pop songstress Jewel came into the Femmes dressing room and posed the question, “Would you rather be a fish or a star?” Gordon said, “Neither.” Brian said, “A fish because you can eat other fishes.” JEWEL’S RESPONSE TO THIS WAS, “THAT’S DISGUSTING!!!!!!!!”
• In a German interview the Femmes were asked, “Ja, vat do you sink about the reunification of Chermany?” To the chagrin of the assembled journalists they responded, “We don’t think the question is whether there should be one or two Germanies, but RATHER IF THERE SHOULD BE ANY GERMANY!!!!!!!!!”
• The Femmes were going through Canadian customs when they were approached by bald TV exercise and diet guru Susan Powter. She said, “You look like rock musicians. So, what do you think, should Joni Mitchell be in the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame?” The entire band and crew replied with a scornful, “No!!!” “Why not?” asked Powter. Guy Hoffman replied, “Because she doesn’t play rock and roll. If they let her in then they’ll have to let Barbara Streisand in too.” Brian Ritchie said, “The closest Joni Mitchell came to rock and roll was HAVING SEX WITH CROSBY, STILLS, AND NASH!!!!!!”
• The Femmes were staying in a fancy hotel in Memphis, Tenn. They had to check out early to go to the next gig, and Horns of Dilemma musician Sigmund Snopek III fell asleep on a chair in the lobby while the rest were checking out. He was woken by a kick in the shin and a fruity voice yelling, “Come on, look lively, it’s too early in the morning to be taking a nap!!!” Snopek opened his eyes to gaze upon TV exercise and diet guru Richard Simmons. SNOPEK THEN UTTERED THE PHRASE, “FUCK OFF!!!!!!!”
• Femmes were playing “Confessions” at a club in D.C. when they noticed that all of the young girls in the front several rows began grimacing and covering their eyes. When they looked behind them they realized why. SIGMUND SNOPEK III WAS BLOWING A HUNTING HORN COMPLETELY NUDE!!!!!!!!”
• Horns of Dilemma sax man Peter Balestrieri had seen Brian jump into the audience and get passed around by the crowd and wanted to try it for himself. However, when Peter jumped the Australian audience parted and Pete landed on his butt, breaking his tailbone. He was not able to sit for the rest of the tour. WHEN THE BAND FLEW THE OTHER PASSENGERS WERE NERVOUS WHEN THEY SAW SOMEONE WITH STRONG MEDITERRANEAN FEATURES PACING UP AND DOWN THE AISLE WEARING SUNGLASSES AND DRINKING WHISKEY DURING TAKEOFF!!!!!!!!”
• Brian Ritchie was having a beer with Fishbone singer Angelo. Angelo asked, “Brian, do you ever see angels?” Ritchie said, “No. “Angelo responded, “I frequently see them flying around the room, BUT I CAN NEVER TELL IF THEY ARE REAL OR IF I’M IMAGINING THEM!!!!!!!”
• The Femmes were playing at a rock festival with Lou Reed and Bonnie Raitt. Brian gave Lou a large cigar, and they were approached by Bonnie. Raitt asked, “BRIAN, DO YOU HAVE ANYTHING ABOUT THAT SIZE I CAN PUTIN MY MOUTH???!!!!!!!!!???”
• A girl was lost in the Amazon for three days. When she was rescued the journalists asked her how she kept up her spirits during the ordeal. She replied, “BY SINGING SONGS FROM THE VIOLENT FEMMES ALBUM, “HALLOWED GROUND”!!!!!!!!!!”
• When the Femmes were on their first tour they had a gig at a foul club in Dallas. The club had giant statues of frogs playing musical instruments on the roof. The club owner told the band, “This is not good music. I will pay you not to play.” The band refused and performed anyway. THEY WERE SHOCKED WHEN THEY LOOKED IN THE CROWD AND SAW SINGING LEGEND TONY BENNETT!!!!!!!!!!!”
• Years later the band was travelling in Texas, AND THEY SAW THE MUSICAL FROGS FOR SALE IN THE PARKING LOT OF A GAS STATION!!!!!!!!!!!”
• The Femmes went to a sushi bar in L.A. Former Partridge Family bassist/actor Danny Bonaduce was the maitre’d. When he found out it was the Femmes he invited them to GO TO THE PARKING LOT AND SMOKE DRUGS!!!!!!!
• Another time Ritchie went to the same sushi bar, but when he sat down they started playing the Femmes on the stereo. Brian summoned the waitress and requested to hear something else. She said, “What’s wrong, don’t you like the Femmes?” Ritchie told the confused waitress, “NO, I LOVE THE FEMMES, IN FACT I’VE BEEN TO EVERY ONE OF THEIR SHOWS!!!!!!!!!!”
• Brian Ritchie went to Femmes booking agent Frank Riley’s office. Upon leaving he entered the elevator where he was joined by actor Sly Stallone. The elevator door did not close immediately, which visibly agitated Stallone. RATHER THAN PRESSING THE ‘DOOR CLOSE’ BUTTON STALLONE ISSUED THE FOLLOWING INSTRUCTION, “FUCKIN’ DOOR CLOSE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”
• Despite the fact that all the band members are idiots, the Femmes have been going for 18 years, BELIEVE IT OR NOT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!